Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
