when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
