How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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