tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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