And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
