my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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