Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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