I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
