this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
