it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
