he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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