I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
