Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Randomize
