Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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