i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
My bed smells like the plague
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
