Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
