is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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