I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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