I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
