i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You should frame my arrest warrant.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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