i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
