I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
