Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
