How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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