Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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