Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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