Someone shit on the floor
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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