somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
