At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
