so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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