I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
