I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
