NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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