Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
