did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
