hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
She said her name was "party"
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
