well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
