then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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