Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
