you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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