just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
We were destined to go to rehab together
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
