i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
