can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
