note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
