if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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