dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Randomize
