I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
it hurts more in the daytime
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
