so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
