just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
