Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
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